It's Still Him
by Destaciax
Summary: Castiel is still adjusting to being human, but Dean is having trouble adjusting to Cas. Post Sacrifice
1. Four Times

"Do you think we should check on Cas?"

I hesitated, the words on the page in front of my eyes becoming sort of hazy with the thought of Cas.

When I couldn't get myself to focus, I closed the book. "Why?

Sam checked his watch. "He's been in the shower for the past hour and a half. You don't think that's weird?"

Yeah it was pretty fucking weird. But it didn't matter and I didn't want to "check on him" because any minute now he'd be coming down the hallway and he'd pass by us without even saying hi and then he would go to the place he made out to be his room and sleep his day away.

"He'll be out soon," I mumbled, opening the book again and trying to find the page I was on, reading about some mermaid type creature that I hoped Sam and I would never have to come across.

Two months after we found him and he was still barely talking to us. Barely even talking to me.

It's not like I could blame him but I did anyway because even though he was still adjusting to being a human didn't mean he had to live like this. Even though his brothers and sisters and every god forsaken angel that were once up in heaven were roaming the earth now didn't mean he had to make himself miserable.

I heard Sam scoff, and for a second I thought it was at my own hypocrisy.

"His showers are usually only like, forty five minutes. Go check on him. Maybe he fell asleep or something."

"Let him sleep,"

Sam shut his laptop closed and gave me one of his stares that sometimes made me feel like I was the little brother and not him. "Dean,"

I ignored him.

"You can't be mad at him. We have to be here for him once he's ready to talk about it. He needs us. He needs you."

Funny how I once said the exact same thing to Cas and none of us ever mentioned it again. Not that I wanted it to be mentioned, but still. If Cas needed me he'd talk to me or ask for help, not turn into someone I didn't even recognize at all. I didn't recognize his tired eyes or slouching shoulders or how he didn't even look at me anymore so yeah even though it wasn't fair I thought I had a right to be mad at him.

But I didn't wanna argue with Sam, so I just said, "yeah, whatever."

Sam rolled his eyes and smiled a little. "Just go knock on the door or something, make sure he's all right."

I hesitated once more before asking, "Which bathroom?"

Even though Cas used to be my best friend, he was different now. He was human. He was distant and vulnerable and just like Cas was having a hard time adjusting to being a human, I was having a hard time adjusting to him. Even the thought of knocking on his bathroom door made my legs sort of shaky and it was really really stupid but I ignored it and tried to tell myself that the shell of a man that lived with me and Sam was still Cas.

"The small one with the bathtub shower combo, down the hall to the left." Sam said, opening his laptop again and continuing on to do whatever he was doing.

I took a deep breath and walked down the hallway, away from the comfort of the familiar table with the map and Sam on his laptop like always.

The faint sound of the shower greeted my ears as I turned to the left, nearing the brown door at the end of the hall that I recognized as one of Cas's favorite bathrooms. He had three favorite bathrooms that he showered in. The really big one, the one that he used when he was in an okay mood, and this one, which he spent the most time in.

"Cas?" I asked, knocking on the door. I waited five seconds. Ten seconds.

No answer.

"Cas," I sort of yelled, knocking on the door harder this time in case he didn't hear me over the sound of the shower.

"God dammit Cas," I mumbled under my breath, trying the doorknob.

It was open. Maybe he was so used to us leaving him alone for the most part he hadn't even bothered to lock the door.

I walked inside, steam hitting my face immediately.

"Dean," a small voice said. I tried to ignore the fact it was probably the first time he said my name in over two months.

"Cas you okay?" I asked, looking at the shower curtain where Cas was behind.

No answer again.

Without thinking I pulled the shower curtain open only to find Cas fully clothed, unshaven, laying down on the bathtub floor sleeping.

He was sleeping.

The bastard was sleeping and here I was like an idiot thinking he actually wanted to talk to me. I was stupid.

"You don't think you deserve to be saved," he mumbled in his sleep. I felt my face go red.

"Cas wake up," I said, leaning over to shake his shoulder, getting my whole shirt wet. Water was pooling on the floor around my socks.

"Dean," he said for the second time, opening his eyes and wiping water droplets from his face only for new ones to replace them.

I stepped back and took my hand away from his shoulder. "You fell asleep,"

Cas sat up cross legged and ran his fingers through his hair. The word _human_ wouldn't stop ringing in my head.

"You know," I began, looking at Sam's soaking wet clothes that were way too big on Cas, "when you take a shower you're supposed to take your clothes off."

He furrowed his eyebrows, muttered an "oh" and then began unbuttoning his shirt.

My breath hitched. "No Cas, I didn't mean-"

"What?" He asked, then caught my gaze and nodded, quickly buttoning his shirt back up even though he missed a few buttons and it looked crooked. "Sorry Dean,"

I let myself laugh a little bit, even though it came out nervously and I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that said _third time_. "Don't worry about it,"

We looked at each other for a little bit and it was getting pretty awkward with the only sound behind the shower that was still running. "Dean, why are you here?"

_Fourth time._

"Sam told me to check up on you, make sure you were okay."

"Why?"

"You were in the shower for a really long time,"

"I'm fine," he said. "Sometimes I forget to sleep."

If he didn't spend like twenty hours sleeping in his room every day, then what was it he actually did?

"I'll go get you a towel," I said, more to distract myself from thinking stupid things instead of being nice to the guy that had ignored me for the past two months.

"Okay. Thank-you."

I walked out of the bathroom feeling almost a little bit relieved and after a while I came back, towel in hand, but only to find the shower empty and a trail of water leading down the hall.

"God dammit Cas,"


	2. Stupid Blue Eyes

Read some lore. Call Sam. Watch porn. Look for cases. Think about Cas. Eat. Try to read a book. Call Sam. Think about Cas. Watch porn. Eat. Try to look for cases. Think about Cas. Think about Cas. Think about Cas. Do something to try and distract myself from thinking about Cas. Think about Cas.

That had been my routine for the past day and a half, and it wasn't going to change any time soon. Sam had left me here with Cas while he was out ganking some ghost, just like I left Sam here last month. It wasn't the best idea and the second thing I did the most other than think about Cas was check my phone for a text from Sam saying he's fine, which he always was.

I was restless and bored but I couldn't go anywhere because Cas was "unstable" according to Sam. Cas not answering our prayers and disappearing at random times seemed a lot better than him taking hour long showers and moping around doing nothing. At least when he was an angel he talked to us.

I tried to stop myself from thinking about Cas when I realized I was being a selfish bastard.

Where was he anyway? The last time I saw him was at breakfast when he was eating his cereal, which Sam taught him how to make. I was starting to think that cereal was some sort of fallen angel comfort food because it was all Cas ever ate.

Breakfast, I assumed, was around nine o' clock this morning, and right now it was-

My eyes flickered over to the little clock on Sam's laptop. Five forty four.

That had been what- eight, nine hours since I last saw him? Shit. Part of me and Sam's deal was that we'd check on him like three times at day and I had been avoiding it. I was stupid. He was stupid for disappearing the last time I checked on him and tried to bring him a towel.

In the beginning I had taken comfort in the fact that Cas couldn't randomly disappear anymore, but it's not as if he couldn't leave and make me feel like an idiot just the same as before.

_Shut the fuck up._ I told myself. _What did you expect anyway? That you and Cas would immediately go back to being friends? Stop being stupid. Stop being stupid. Stop being stupid._

I listened to the voice in my head and reminded myself I needed to check on Cas. At least once so I could tell Sam I checked on him three times and not have it be a _complete_ lie.

Okay. Now half of the chore was done - actually mustering up the will to get my ass up and check on him. But the other half was harder. I had to actually find where he was.

"Cas," I started calling, walking down hallways and opening doors only to find the rooms empty, and it was a dumb analogy but it was kind of like opening the door was finding Cas but like the rooms he was empty and left me sort of disappointed.

I opened doors and closed them again and I just wondered how many god damn rooms we had in this place until around after ten minutes I gave up and leaned against the wall, rubbing my chin.

If Cas hadn't even been to the kitchen the whole day, how was he eating, if he was eating anything at all? Did he have a stash of cereal under his bed or was I really oblivious and didn't see him or hear him in the kitchen?

I had to make him food or something, right? Maybe he'd appreciate it. Maybe he'd like it better than the soggy crap he always ate.

So I started walking to the kitchen, my pace quickening when I thought of how hungry Cas must be and the fact that maybe he was just afraid to go in the kitchen because I was near. But if I made him something he'd be sort of forced to talk to me and thank me, right?

There was this stupid smile creeping up on my lips and it was dumb but I didn't care. I was going to make him talk to me, and I was going to find him and give him the food and he'd think I was thoughtful and maybe we'd start being friends again.

I could introduce him to the old movies I liked and Sam could teach him how to cook real food and he would get out of the rut he'd been in and maybe he'd even get out and do something with us. We could be friends again. It wouldn't be like what it used to be, but it could work. It could definitely work. We had to stop avoiding each other and acting like we were strangers. I'd been making this harder than it actually was and maybe-

"Cas," I said, stepping into the kitchen, and my smile grew wider until it disappeared completely when I saw the bottle of pain killers in his hand.

"Dean," he breathed, but before I could look at him and at his stupid stupid stupid blue eyes this switch flicked in me and I knocked the bottle of pills out of his hand and it spilled on the ground and dotted the tiles with red. I forgot about everything I had been thinking about and the hopeless plan I had to make us friends again because here he was about to kill himself and now this feeling that I'd felt too many times was building up in the pit of my stomach and I didn't know if I could take it.

I made my hands into fists. "How many did you take?"

"Dean I-"

"HOW MANY DID YOU FUCKING TAKE?"

I lashed out at the nearest thing that wasn't Cas's face, the fucking toaster, yanking it out of it's socket and sending it clattering to the floor.

"Dean please calm down-"

My hands landed on the little folding chair that Cas liked to sit down on to eat his cereal and I threw it at the wall and when it simply just fell on the floor it wasn't fucking enough. I walked over to it and rammed it against my knee so it was in two pieces at my feet, but it wasn't enough it just wasn't enough and my eyes landed on Cas.

I grabbed him by his collar and pushed him against the refrigerator, the little magnets and notes we kept there falling to the ground.

"How many," I asked through clenched teeth, "did you fucking take?"

"I-"

I pulled him away from the refrigerator and slammed him back again so he hit his head. He wasn't an angel anymore. He had no power over me. No physical power. No emotional power. He was nothing. He wasn't Cas. He wasn't Cas. Cas wouldn't do this, but then again he would because he'd told me himself and I pushed away the thoughts of this being my fault.

"Give me. A straight. Fucking. Answer." I said, and Cas had fear in his stupid eyes and he wasn't even fighting back. He wasn't Cas. Whoever this was didn't deserve to be called Cas because he wasn't the Castiel I used to know.

Cas swallowed and I could feel it from my hand closed around his throat, knowing I could just squeeze and he'd be out of breath. "None," he said, "I didn't take any."

"Don't fucking lie to me," I said, closing my hand around his neck completely so I could feel his blood rushing through my fingers, his little gasps of air that weren't enough, the life being sucked out of him with my own hands.

"I'm sorry I've disappointed you," he said in between gasps.

I released him abruptly so the refrigerator even shook a little and then I started laughing. Laughing because I didn't have enough fingers on both of my hands to count how many times he'd disappointed me. Laughing because he actually had the balls to act like he was sorry.

And then when Cas started looking at me weird I got angry again and tore the clock out of the wall and threw it on the ground and the sound it made as glass crashed over the whole floor just enticed me to break something else.

_If you'd been here for Cas you wouldn't be here now._

I hated Cas. Hated him. I hated him. Hate. It was the only word registering in my brain when I thought of his face and I let it all out on the flimsy kitchen table so I wouldn't hurt him.

I fucking hated him and yet I was still afraid to hurt him. I was an idiot. I was an idiot that was destroying the table and it felt so good, so fucking good, to be letting all this shit out I forgot about everything else. For a while I forgot about Cas and why I was even doing this but it felt good and my hands were raw and bloody from splintered wood and beating things with my bare hands but it felt so fucking good.

"Dean, stop it." Cas said, and when I didn't I felt the sharp pang in my jaw from his fist and the last thing I saw before I blacked out was his emotionally blank face.

* * *

There was pain everywhere. My head was throbbing and every few seconds something sharp pinched my hands. What even happened? I tried to feel the surface beneath me. I was on a bed. How the hell did I get on a bed?

Trying to remember how I got on the bed and what happened made my head throb even more, and I couldn't open my eyes somehow.

The only sound was the whirring of the ceiling fan and someone was touching my hands and pinching them. What the fuck?

I tried to open my eyes again and it worked but my head hurt and everything was spinning and I still didn't know where I was or what happened. The last thing I remembered was getting up to go check on Cas. Did I even check on him? Was he okay? Everything was still spinning but I managed to sit up and try to pull my feet off the bed but a sharp pang went through my head again and I had to lay back down and close my eyes.

"Dean, you need to rest."

Cas was here. He sounded okay. Was he the one pinching my hands? "Cas?"

"Yes, I'm here."

"What happened?"

A pause.

"Cas, what happened?"

I heard his breath hitch. "You mean... you don't remember?"

"Of course I don't remember," I said. Until about a minute ago I barely even remembered my own name. "What are you doing with my hands?"

Another pinch. "I'm taking out the wood splinters,"

Wood splinters. Flashes of what happened started coming back to me but they were gone as soon as they came. The table in the kitchen. I was... destroying it? Why?

"Do you even know what you're doing?"

"I can figure things out for myself, Dean."

The pinching stopped and instead he poured something on my hands and it started stinging.

"What the hell is that?" I asked, managing to open my eyes. Cas was on the edge of the bed gently dripping some peroxide onto my hands. He must of found the first aid kit.

After he was done he patted my hands dry with a towel and started bandaging them and when he was done it took him a few seconds to let go.

"Drink this," he said and handed me a cup of something that smelled suspicious.

"What is it?"

"I've been doing some reading about teas and herbal supplements, this one is for headaches."

"You better not be drugging me," I murmured and put the cup to my lips. The tea tasted like shit but it was warm and sort of comforting and it made everything spin a little less.

I put the cup down on the nightstand after a couple sips, even though that simple movement made my head hurt again. "So what happened?"

He paused again. "You blacked out,"

"What? Why?"

"I punched you in the jaw,"

And then it started coming back to me. Cas holding the bottle of pills. Me knocking it out of his hands. Me going batshit insane. Cas stopping me.

I looked at him and he had that same emotionless expression on his face he always wore.

"Get the fuck out,"

"Dean,"

"Out,"

"Dean I'm so sorry-"

I got up out of the bed, almost tripping over the covers and pushed Cas out the open door and right before I slammed it in his face I caught a glimpse of guilt in his stupid blue eyes.


	3. Dreams of Purgatory

_The vampire smiled, like he was amused at his own words. "Anyways, Castiel." He went behind Cas's chair and put both hands on his shoulders. "Any last words for Dean?"_

_I anticipated the moment Cas would talk and apologize to me and say that he was sorry and he felt like shit for what he did and that he was sorry he got us into this whole mess, but after a few seconds of silence, I realized he wasn't going to say anything. _

_We were in purgatory again, out of all places, and the son of a bitch still wouldn't say anything. _

_"Okay then," the vamp said, and then walked over to me. "So Dean, how about you? Do you have anything to say to Castiel?" _

_I was a hypocrite, because I didn't have anything to say either, and I looked at Cas and he looked at me and then he looked away in what I hoped was disappointment. _

_The vampire sighed. "Nothing, both of you? No decelerations of love, no heartfelt apologies to one another?" _

_None of us said anything. I tried not to look at Cas even though I could feel his gaze on me. _

_"Alright then. I'll make you talk." _

I woke with a start and my first thought was that they were hurting Cas. Cas was getting hurt and it was my fault that we were in this whole mess and they were using him against me and-

The shapes of the familiar things in my room became clearer. There was ceiling above me, not trees and night purgatory sky. It was a dream. Another dream about purgatory, and it was one of the ones where me and Cas went back there for some unexplainable reason and he was human and vulnerable and those were the shittiest ones.

A sigh escaped my lips and I looked at my alarm clock. Two thirty in the morning. Images from the dream kept flashing in my head.

I tried not to think about purgatory that much. And I really tried not to think about all those nights I spent sleeping next to Cas and how I always found myself touching him. Like not in a weird way but I always had to be holding his arm or have my shoulder against his shoulder or something to make sure he wouldn't disappear. Sometimes I would still wake up in the middle of the night freaking out because he wasn't next to me. It didn't matter anyways. My memories from purgatory felt like dreams you've sort of forgotten but sort of not at the same time, and whatever happened between me and Cas there didn't matter and it didn't apply here.

I rolled over, getting sheets tangled in between my legs, blindly reaching for my phone on the bedside table.

After my eyes adjusted to the bright annoying light I looked for a text from Sam. He'd only been gone for a day and it felt like a freaking week.

_Met up with Garth, turns out we were working on the same case lol. He says Kevin's doing great ever since he found his mom again. Crowley started acting out again so they locked him up. Anyway, burning the bones didn't make the ghost go away, i'll be back in a day or something. How's cas doing? -Sam _

I wanted to throw the phone across the room and groan into my pillow but I ended up texting back a simple "_he's fine, same as usual. Good luck on the case_" despite it being a complete lie. Telling the truth would of just made Sam come back and leave Garth to work on the case, and then I'd have to explain everything that happened and that would only cause more trouble.

And that's when I heard the footsteps.

One pair of feet.

High heels.

My pulse quickened.

I reached for the gun under my pillow and turned off the safety, slipping out of bed and walking silently towards my door, but before I could open it, whoever was on the other side did it for me.

Right in front of my face was a pretty cute chick, with curly brown hair but most importantly, an angel blade in her hand. I raised my gun.

"Who the fuck are you?" I asked.

"I'm Hayleigh, I'm an angel, and you need to trust me."

I uncurled my finger from the trigger. "Why?"

"Because Castiel is missing."

* * *

A/N: Sorry this chapter took a long time and it's so short. I wasn't sure where I wanted the plot to go but I got it pretty figured out now. Thank you so much for all the reviews and favorites and follows I've been getting on this, it really means a lot and it's nice to know there's people actually reading this. The next part will be longer and it'll be posted in the next 1-2 days.


	4. It's Enochian for I love you

"So," I mumbled, my knuckles going white as I clutched onto the steering wheel, "how do you know he's missing?"

Hayleigh leaned back in her seat, seeming sort of relaxed about this whole thing. "I found him at a park around an hour and a half ago."

"What was he doing _there_?"

I wondered how the hell Cas managed to even sneak out in the first place.

Hayleigh shrugged. "We talked for a while. He told me everything. Said a lot about you."

I tried to keep my eyes alert as I looked to my left, just in case I saw Cas on the side of the road just like me and Sammy did when we first found him.

"What did he say about me?"

She laughed, but it wasn't the good kind of laugh, it was that sort of knowing kind of sarcastic laugh and it felt like someone just pooped all over my existence.

"I don't think he'd want you to know,"

Freaking awesome.

* * *

We found him eventually, at a run down bar, with alcohol on his breath and slurred words in some weird language (Enochian?) coming from his lips.

"God dammit Cas, did you really have to get this drunk?" I mumbled, putting his arm around my neck before I could think anything more of it.

"Dean, I assure you, I'm perfectly fine."

"Look at you man, you can barely even walk."

He giggled.

I noticed Hayleigh was gone, and I scoped the room, only to find some people giving me and Cas some weird looks.

"What the hell, Cas?" I asked when we got out of the bar.

He pulled away from me and sat down lazily on the bench by the door, mumbling something weird.

"You know I can't understand half of what you're saying, right?"

A hiccup escaped his lips. "That was Enochian for I love you."

I laughed. "Nah man, I think that's probably Enochian for you're really freakin' drunk."

"I guess it could go both ways,"

"Come on," I said, "we'll talk tomorrow."

* * *

The next morning I woke up from some horrible nightmare about Sam, and when my vision finally adjusted and my thoughts cleared I reached for my phone to check for a text from him.

_I'll be back today. Charlie's coming too :-) _

I breathed a sigh of relief, typing out an "_okay, awesome_" before falling back into the pillows.

My eyes were just starting to droop again when-

"Dean!"

I rolled over. "What d' ya want Cas?"

"I would of told you yesterday but the obscene amounts of of alcohol were clouding my-"

"What?" I sat up on the bed, and Cas was in the doorway, his knuckles white around the frame.

"Hayleigh is a demon- she got me drunk for information on the trials and the gates of hell and Abaddon-"

"Slow down," I said, "how do you know she's a demon?"

"I saw her eyes. I was going to do something but she just got me more drinks. I'm so sorry- I shouldn't have gone out without your permission it's just that-"

"Cas, it's fine. It wasn't your fault. She lied to me too. She told me you guys met up and you gave her the key and you planned to run away."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "She _stole_ the key!"

"I know Cas, I know, I have the key now. Were you actually trying to run away?"

He backed away. "Wha- of course not! I was just going out for some fresh air, she came and tricked me into thinking she was my sister."

So she was lying. I wondered why she didn't just kill or kidnap Cas instead of coming to get me, but it didn't matter anyway.

"Okay, don't worry. She'll be back and when she comes we'll be ready."

Cas nodded. "Thank you Dean." He was just out into the hall when he popped his head back in and said "please disregard anything... weird I might of said yesterday."

"Yeah,"

* * *

Things went back to normal after that, sort of. Sam came back with Charlie, and she was gonna be staying for a while, and her constant chatting and making us watch her TV shows served as a good distraction from Cas.

She and Cas got along really well actually, and sometimes I'd be walking across the kitchen to pee at two am in the good bathroom and I'd see them sitting at the new table we bought, talking quietly while holding cups of Cas's shitty tasting herbal teas to their mouths.

God knows what they talked about, but Cas seemed a little better with her around, and Sam would always tease me about being "jealous", which was ridiculous to be honest.

Cas was getting better. He came out of his room more often, and even though we still weren't talking much, it was better than nothing.

And then Charlie went on a week long trip to visit some friends a few towns away, and Cas went back to locking himself in his room and limiting his diet to just cereal again. Just when I thought he was getting better he did a complete 180 and went back to his default state.

But then one night I woke up from the sound of a hushed "Dean," and blamed all my years of hunting for being such a god damn light sleeper.

"Cas?"

"Hello Dean,"

He was standing in my doorway, in an stained oversized shirt and sweatpants which he wore as pj's.

I covered my bare chest with the sheets, even though it was just Cas. "Why are you here?"

"I had a nightmare and couldn't fall back asleep,"

"What are you? A kid? Go back to bed." I said.

"Would you mind if I slept here for tonight? In your room?"

I turned and lied down on my side, looking at Cas from the corner of my eye. "As long as it's not in my bed."

"Of course not,"

In the darkness I could see him making his way over to the couch I put against the wall the other day, a bundle of blankets in his hands. I turned to face away from him again and heard him lie down and a little bit of shuffling for a few minutes before everything went quiet.

For some reason, Cas sleeping on the couch changed the whole atmosphere of the room, so much that I was conscious of my every other movement so I wouldn't wake him up. God. If I'd known him being here would make me not even able to fall asleep I wouldn't have said yes.

Eventually I dozed off into the weird thing that was sleep but not really sleep, where all your thoughts are these random things and any sound can bring you right back into reality. The last thought before I was asleep for good was that Cas really needed to get an anti possession tattoo.

* * *

That night wasn't the last time he would come to sleep in my room.

For the next few days he came and I'd hear a "Dean" and then he'd go lie down on the couch. I really had no idea how sleeping on a lumpy old couch would be better than a bed even if you did have nightmares, but Cas being here sort of helped me too.

Usually when I woke up from the purgatory dreams where Cas disappeared I'd be confused for a few seconds until the fact that Cas was a human and it was all a dream surfaced in my mind, but now when I woke up from those the only thing I needed to do was look at the couch and at Cas and then fall asleep just as fast as I woke up.

Cas's nightmares were probably worse than mine. Sometimes I'd wake up to his shuffling around and his mumbling random things like "grace" and "heaven" and one time I could of sworn I heard him whisper "Dean" but it was probably just my imagination.

And now it was happening again.

I lied there paralyzed as I listened to Cas, waiting for it to stop. Most of the time it only lasted a few minutes. This had been going on for at least ten minutes, according to the bright red numbers of the alarm clock.

Eventually it got to be too much and after tossing and turning and not knowing what to do I got up and walked over to the couch and started shaking his shoulder.

"Cas," I said, and he stopped moving but started mumbling things again.

"Cas, cmon buddy, wake up."

He jerked awake, and I took my hand off his shoulder.

"You okay?" I asked, and he sat up, facing me.

He nodded. "I'm fine,"

And that's when Cas started crying.

He put his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them and started sobbing and I didn't know what was going on or what to do because Cas was crying and I'd never seen him like this and I had to remind myself he was human.

"Cas?" I asked, "Cas what the hell?"

"I'm sorry Dean." He said in between gasps of air.

"What are you talking about?" I sat down next to him on the couch. "Cas, what's wrong?"

He didn't answer.

"Talk to me Cas," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He grabbed onto my shirtsleeve and peered up from his knees. "Do you think they're okay?"

"Do I think who's okay?"

"The angels. My brothers and sisters. Do you think they're okay?"

I didn't know how to answer that. "Why wouldn't they be okay?"

He shook his head. "Dean I'm so so sorry,"

I was so bad at this whole comforting a fallen friggin' angel thing. "Why?"

"I'm nothing but a burden on you and Sam. I've seen the way you look at me and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not talking to you and I'm sorry for not letting you be there and I'm sorry for breaking heaven."

"None of that's your fault," I said.

"You're lying to make me feel better," he murmured.

"Don't pull that card on me,"

"Dean,"

"Listen, I'm here now and you're talking to me so it's okay and you don't need to apologize to me for anything because I don't care whatever it is you do, got that?"

He leaned his head back against the couch cushion, turning it to the side so our faces were only inches away. "Thank you," he said, and even in the dark I could see the outline of his lips.

We were so close to each other and we weren't saying anything. Neither of us were moving away and there was this weird feeling in my chest I didn't want to think about.

And I found myself leaning in, not really knowing what I was doing, and I was there. I was so close and I could feel his breath on my mouth and even see the blue of his eyes in the dark but he pulled away before anything came of it, whispering a "I think I'll go back to my room," and grabbing his blankets and his pillows and then opening the door and walking away.

I went back to bed, not knowing whether to feel relief or not, and attributed what just happened to lack of sleep.

* * *

**A/N: Went on vacation. Long chapter for anyone who's following this!**


End file.
